Welcome To Texas

Howdy, Friend, welcome to Texas! but please wipe your boots at the door,
That Yeller-brown crud, son, that’s cow-flop not mud,
And that there’s what this state’s famous for,
Yes, I guess you’ll see bullshit all over, its piled everywhere on the ground,
Our Principal Crop, it just lays where they drop it,
Til young George Bush spreads it around, the Governor spreads it around,

I’ll tell you some things about Texas, some things every traveller should know,
Your vwery first night you’ll see Skeeters don’t bite you,
They just tear your leg off and go,
And motels don’t have bedbugs nor roaches, tarantulas scare them away,
And there just aint no doubt if you don’t shake your boots out,
You’ll hop the Fandango today, the one foot fandango today,

There’s lots of wild critturs in Texas, and deserts and cane brakes and swamp,
And there’s quite a few towns from El Paso on down,
Where your Wild Texan goes for a romp,
You can see them in every cantina with a drink that aint bourbon and branch,
You can smell what he’s drinkin’ and tell that he’s thinkin’
‘Bout things he can’t do on the ranch, things that Aggies dont do on the ranch,

Now, Son, that jug there…that’s tequila, and it goes well with supper and lunch,
But dont try it for breakfast, you’ll end up a wreck fast,
It deadens the chili-bean’s punch,
There’s some folks that mix it with lime juice in salt glasses, frosty and tall,
But you feed margueritas to Yankee Chiquitas,
Real Texans don’t mix it at all, Your Texan dont mix it a-tall,

Them border town girls, they’re a caution! But God bless their dear little heart!
If you come to spend money, they all call you honey,
They’re there to help you do your part!
Now you may come away with a token, just an extra you bought for your gold,
But dont you get rattled, sit tall in the saddle,
‘Til the anti-biotics take hold, Come on antibiotices, take hold!

Y’all sound like you like it in Texas, Well, Friends, you’re plumb welcome to stay,
But some try the chili then scream and act silly,
And theres some that it does drive away,
That and critturs and gals and tequila, all the things that I’ve sung in this song,
Point out Texas’ solution to human pollution,
‘Cause only fools stay here for long, like the fool that’s been singin’ this song!

© Tim Henderson 1991